note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
