i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
be right there i have to get my cape
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Randomize
