Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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