you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
