My hand turned me down
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
