Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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