margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
