You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
