my phone needs a breathalizer
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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