I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
