Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
