I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
