its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
