My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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