I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
