I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
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Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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