o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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