don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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