i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
