Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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