she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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