I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
