but the lizard people decide everything anyway
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
