woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
