Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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