Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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