??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
