I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
