At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
