once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
