Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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