If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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