can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
