so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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