im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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