she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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