Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
