your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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