handjob tips. give me some.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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