hotel room ftw
I want to have your abortion
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
