There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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