I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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