I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
