Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I checked into jail on foursquare
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
