help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
