he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
