True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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