Your face is a jimmy john
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
