my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Everything about him screamed your future.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
