so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
