He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
