If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
