In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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