"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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