i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
