fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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