She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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