She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
